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Photo Essay

Trauma | Healing

The following are images/ stills from my GoPro camera, that represent different phases of the emotional healing process after experiencing a traumatic event during childhood, and even adulthood. 

There are six parts in this series and each part has six shots, except for the last series, entitled “Self-Love,” which has seven.

 

The six parts are:

  1. Shock/Numbness

  2. Shame/Disgust

  3. Anger/Rage

  4. Grief/Pain

  5. Self-Protection

  6. Self-Love

 

 

Disclaimer:  During each phase while filming, I was feeling these painful emotions.  Looking back at them still evokes an emotional response for me of anger-rage and grief-pain. For this reason, I feel I should give a "trigger warning" to anyone who has experienced trauma in their lives.  This is how I pieced together me. Uncomfortable feelings- to healing

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This proved a difficult project to produce, but there is catharsis in sharing the feelings of trauma response to others.  Many people feel this way but aren’t able to recognize or acknowledge it. When I feel angry, when I feel enraged, I start to (a) either push it down or (b) actually cry/rage and feel the emotion. I realize then, do other people even know if they are stuffing their feelings [of trauma] under?  Back in the day, I use to drink excessively or stuff my face with salty snack foods. How then, can I show visually what this feeling process looks like in a way that is uplifting to myself and others, and encouraging for others to continue their own healing process? 

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Thus, I found a beige leotard and started filming this event. It started with a warm salt bath—a ritual I use to release mental stress from myself and relax every week. I feel a lot during this time, and on this day, I used an essential oil blend to relax even deeper in my bath. Then I waited… and the feelings came up: pain, anger, anxiety, frustration, fear.

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In it, [2.6] and [3.1] are the only photos where I am wet after dunking myself in the water.  Those images represented to me the slimy feelings of being in “Shame/Disgust,” and the onset of the emotions evoked while in “Anger/Rage.”

Part I: Shock/Numbness

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The first part of healing is becoming aware of what it is that happened; but when your brain shuts down and you cannot process the experience, all that remains are feelings of numbness— a vacuous, empty feeling, like you’re a hollow shell.  It’s an unconscious out-of-body experience that had left me feeling frozen for years.  I used food and alcohol to cover up the memories of pain, some of which were repressed.

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Overall, it is a confusing mental state to be in. In medical literature, this is referred to as the “freeze response,” and it activates in times of intense stress.  Hiding, questioning myself, feeling confused (particularly if a trauma happened during your childhood), and losing interest in most things, also feeling dazed and depressed, were all symptoms of mine.

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Part II: Shame/Disgust

The worst feelings, in my experience, are the subsequent shame wounds and feelings of disgust that I carried within me for years.  This part in the series still unnerves me to look at.  It’s like I want to hide away, cover up my face. The shame feels like heat on my face, my ears most of all, a ball of disgust in my throat. My body shrivels, I shrivel, I cry. It’s anger and self-repulsion stuck in my throat, an internalized scream where I was held. It’s the restriction of my voice, preventing me from speaking up and getting the help that I need. It’s all the times afterwards that I let others treat me in the same abusive manner, instead of seeking more for myself.


Our society is so heavily deluded in shame binds, but they are prison bonds I must break free from. These specific shame wounds leave me feeling slimy and disgusting. Shame is also the delusion that I keep trying to block out of my memory. Once I start to remember that shame is a delusive state and is separate from guilt (which demands culpability), I can walk towards the healing of what was internalized by me as a result of my trauma, and I can deal with it effectively through the help of professionals. I do not have to hurt myself because of what trauma I internalized as being as being an accurate representation of who I am as a person.

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Part III: Anger/Rage

I have a right to feel angry. I do not need to take that anger out on myself. I recognize that now. Anger is really fear. What am I really afraid of now? Was it my fear of acknowledging what happened/ the trauma?

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Anger ran the show for me for many, many years.  It came out in the form of self-abuse and running away from my own feelings [shame, anger, fear].  My body had become toxic internalizing this rage. Had I expressed my anger properly, it would have looked very much like the pictures in this series- like primal screaming. When I broke free of denial, I gave myself permission to rage in my creative work and use my anger constructively, that I may help myself succeed in my worthy goals and ambitions.  I can be patient with myself and angry at the right people healthily, instead of at myself. Using my hands to forcefully push away my oppressors is also symbolic of using anger constructively.

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Part IV: Grief/Pain

Underneath my anger and fear/rage— was deep pain and grief. I never knew that. No one really wants to experience pain and grieving has been difficult for me to do over these past few years, since I started my healing journey.  Sometimes, I must call someone to help me grieve, someone who knows me well enough and that I trust would not reject my emotions.  I even had to join a support group to allow myself to connect with others who have similar traumas, thereby breaking down the walls of my denial. I don’t care what others think anymore, because I know what I need to work on to heal regardless of if I’m believed or not.


Part of my stuck grief was never being believed or supported during my most vulnerable years. I wished for an amends, but never received one. My stuck emotions and freeze response were both very much a result of me not grieving the wounded part of me who experienced the traumas. I am thankful for the healers who have helped me in this journey of recovery. I can revisit the body parts of myself that have held the trauma in for years up until now and heal them.

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Part V: Self-Protection

Self-protection is shown here as self-compassion/realization, pushing away that which would harm me in future, and contraction. I’m folding into myself. I’m choosing to recognize self-worth and let go of self-blame. This is my release of victimhood and desire to protect myself from now on. It’s the beginning of self-love and self-respect. It’s me valuing me and learning how to do so.

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Part VI: Self-Love

I am in self-love when____ .

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____ I am in recognition and acceptance that I have a lot of work to do, but I can do it with kindness, gentleness, and grace. I can ask for help when I need it. I can start to trust myself and surround myself with people who care for me, who know how to love. I caress both of my shoulders where I was shaken. I love. I discern who is healthy for me and what. I think deeply about what I want to do with my life and how I can help others heal. I love. I respect myself. I know healing is a process and that involves time, patience, and lots of mistakes; and still I love. I am more than my wounds and can look people in the eye now, sans shame.

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                                                                            Wake Up, My Love.

                                                                           I Love You, My Love.

                                                                          Come Back, My Love.

                                                                                   I Love You.

This is a Love Letter to Myself.

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